8 Questions to Evaluate the Emotional Health of Your Sex Life
Sexual Health Includes Emotional Health. September is Sexual Health Awareness month and while other people will focus on topics such as STIs and contraception, I want to help people consider the emotional health of their sex lives. All too often, sexual health means only physical health, but in my view, emotional health is not only a vital component of sexual health but is essential to making sex physically healthy too. For example, if you don’t have the ability or safety to set boundaries in a sexual relationship, it’s going to be pretty hard to insist on using condoms.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to assess the emotional health of your sex life, whether you are having solo sex, sex with one partner, or casual/partnered sex with multiple partners.
Do I feel cared about? Emotionally healthy sex is sex where you feel like you are being treated with humanity and dignity and care. Even if we are talking about casual sex, you should still be treated well, like a person and not just a body. You can and should be cared for and about even when it is not a romantic relationship. If you feel used, fetishized, or objectified, consider that this relationship may not be emotionally healthy for you.
Can I set boundaries and will they be respected? This is super important. Do you feel like you can speak up about something you don’t feel comfortable doing and will this be accepted and respected without pushback or coercion? If you don’t feel like you can speak up, or you try but it’s not respected, consider working with a therapist to strengthen your boundary setting muscles. It’s also important to consider boundaries with yourself - do you find yourself engaging, even enthusiastically perhaps, in sexual activity that doesn’t align with your values? If so, learning to set and honor boundaries with yourself is equally important. Knowing you can honor your boundaries with yourself and partners is essential for both safety and self-respect.
Are your needs and pleasure considered? In a culture where women’s sexual needs are considered second to men’s if at all (hello orgasm gap), do you feel like your sexual preferences and needs are considered and attended to? Is sex happening in a way that honors what everyone involved needs or only on one person’s terms? Regardless of the gender of your partner, ask yourself if you feel like they center your needs as much as their own. One sided sex can reinforce problematic narratives about whose sexual pleasure matters and whose doesn't and can lead to resentment and disconnection.
Is my sex life mostly shame-free? This is a biggie and there are so many possible reasons why people feel shame associated with sex. It is common to feel shame about your body, as well as about your performance (especially around the ability to please your partner or reach orgasm). It is also common to feel shame about sex and sexual identity broadly, especially if you were raised in a repressive and shaming religious environment, were shamed about sex as a child or teen, or experienced sexual trauma. But emotionally healthy sex is shame free sex and sexuality is normal and natural.
Do I feel present during sex? In order to feel connected to yourself and/or your partner, and in order to connect with sexual pleasure, you must be able to be present and connected with your body, rather than stuck up in your head. Diet culture, shame, anxiety, and trauma are all major culprits in pulling us out of our bodies and into our heads with a swirl of unpleasant and distracting thoughts. Emotionally healthy sex is mindful, not disconnected.
Can I have sex sober or with the lights on? If you can’t have sex sober, consider what you might be medicating in order to feel like you can have sex. This is very common for trauma survivors as well as people with shame about sex, including body shame. And if you can’t have sex with the lights on, this is usually an indication of some pretty intense body shame and a desire to hide your body from your partner. Emotionally healthy sex is shame free and a safe environment to feel vulnerable.
Do I feel good about the sex after the fact? If yes, great! Or if you don’t think much of it at all, that’s ok too! But if you walk away feeling bad…. Whether that’s hurt, used, disrespected or shamed, then that’s an indication that the sexual relationship isn’t emotionally healthy for you. Sex isn’t always a 10/10 experience, but it should never make you feel bad.
Do I feel comfortable giving feedback? Real talk… if you are faking it, you aren’t doing yourself or your partner any favors. Faking it sends the message that what your partner is doing is exactly right (when it’s not). It also reinforces the problematic idea that one absolutely must have an orgasm during each sexual experience, and perhaps most importantly, it’s saying to yourself that your pleasure isn’t important enough to speak up about. Additionally, if your partner can’t hear respectfully worded feedback, then that is a red flag about the emotional health of the relationship, whether it’s with a spouse or a one-night stand.
I hope that considering these questions helped you reflect on the emotional health of your sex life. If you answered yes to all these questions, congratulations! Your sex life is in good emotional health. And if not… take comfort in knowing that all of these areas can be worked on and improved so that you can feel more empowered, safe to be vulnerable, cared for, shame-free, and connected to yourself, your partner, and pleasure. You can heal from trauma, body shame, or a pattern of unhealthy relationships with others or self. A trauma informed and body positive sex therapist is ideally positioned to help you work on these areas and whatever your struggles may be, they are not your fault. Everyone deserves emotionally healthy sex.
Start Sex Therapy in Los Angeles:
If you would like to make improvements in the emotional health of your sex life, consider working with a trauma-informed, body positive sex therapist. You deserve sex that feels respectful, caring, pleasurable, safe, free, and empowering, whether it’s with yourself or a partner. To start having emotionally healthy sex, follow these steps:
Schedule a consultation at Well Woman Psychology.
Meet with a therapist specializing in sex therapy and relationships.
Start having emotionally healthy and satisfying sex
About the Author:
Dr. Linda Baggett is a Licensed Psychologist at Well Woman Psychology, working with clients virtually in California, Colorado, Illinois, New York, and Washington. Dr. Baggett has devoted herself to helping women for over 20 years and specializes in supporting women as they overcome barriers to living their best lives (like shame). She is trained in many evidence-based trauma treatments, including EMDR and sex therapy. She also works with clients to heal from trauma, relationship issues, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, infertility, perinatal and postpartum struggles, perimenopause and menopause, body image and size-based oppression.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only, is not a substitute for individual medical or mental health advice, and does not constitute a client-therapist relationship.