How to Have Difficult Conversations as an Anxious People Pleaser
TLDR: If you are an anxious people pleaser, or have difficult people in your life, asking for what you need or setting a boundary can be incredibly hard. As a trauma therapist for women, I love using the DEAR MAN communication skill (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate) to make difficult conversations go better and feel less stressful.
In an ideal world, we would have all grown up in families who used and modeled and taught healthy, respectful, effective communication skills, especially for tough conversations. However, most of us did not.
If you grew up in a house where it was scary to speak up for ANY reason (parents would be upset, angry, dismissive, reactive, unsafe, invalidating, etc.), you likely struggle with people pleasing and anxiety, especially when it comes to conflict. This can also happen after surviving an abusive relationship in your adult years.
However, this doesn’t mean you are doomed to struggle in difficult moments in your relationships. This is a skillset you can develop and improve at!
Hands down one of my favorite communication skills to use is DEAR MAN.
What is DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is the name of an interpersonal skill (it’s an acronym) from the evidence-based therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Created by Marsha Linehan, DBT emphasizes “interpersonal effectiveness” skills, AKA healthy relationship skills. Personally, I hate the acronym, but I do love this skill.
When do I use DEAR MAN?
DEAR MAN is best used when you need to ask someone for something or set a boundary. It’s especially helpful when the person you are speaking to is difficult in some way. It’s also helpful if you tend to engage in people pleasing behaviors OR talk all over the place when anxious, because it keeps you focused and standing up for yourself?
Can I use DEAR MAN with a defensive person?
YES. While the only person who can control the other person’s reaction is the other person, DEAR MAN is super useful in minimizing defensiveness, which is a big part of the reason I love it so much. Because, generally speaking, most people find defensiveness the hardest dynamic to encounter in a hard conversation, and this is especially true for anxious people pleasers! The way I think about it is, you can’t prevent another person from responding defensively, but this skill is the best way to create conditions that minimize it.
How do I use DEAR MAN?
The DEAR in the DEAR man are 4 skills to guide what you say, and the MAN is three skills to guide how you say it.
D - Describe:
Describe the problem in objective, neutral language. It is vital to be objective, because when we use subjective language, it tends to be more charged, and it is almost asking the other person to respond defensively. For example, saying “you’re a jerk” is begging the other person to say “no, I’m not,” or, “you’re the jerk.” But if you say, “when I shared that I was upset, you said I was too sensitive,” there’s not much they can argue with. It’s objectively true and it’s said with neutral language that’s not fanning the flames.
Oh, and keep it brief and stick to the facts. You don’t want to dilute your point OR give them ammunition to respond to.
E - Express:
State how you feel, using an “I” statement. Do not use the language, “you made me feel X.” This increases defensiveness and other people can’t “make” us feel anything - we have valid feelings in response to what we experience. Try to be as specific as you can with your emotions (check out an emotion wheel or list for help with this).
For example, “when you said that, I felt dismissed and uncared for.” Contrast this with “you made me feel like shit.”
A - Assert:
Ask for what you need. Be very specific and clear.
For example, “please do not tell me I am too sensitive anymore and instead think about what I am saying.” Instead of, “don’t be disrespectful” which is extremely vague and is also likely to cause them to defend themselves.
R - Reinforce:
Here’s the secret sauce of this whole thing in my opinion. Reinforce means to explain to them specifically how it will benefit them if they can comply with your request. Look - it’s human nature to be more interested in doing something if you know it’s going to benefit you. Take advantage of that! It’s also a way to demonstrate that you care enough about them to consider the impact to them and what might feel good to them.
For example, “if you can do this for me, it will make me feel safe and supported and I will share way more often with you, which will bring us closer.” Contrast this with “if you don’t stop it, I just won’t share with you anymore,” which is both negative and likely to get an unpleasant reaction.
M - Mindful
As you deliver your message, stay mindful. Be aware of your emotions and impulses and try to remain level. And, be mindful of where the conversation is going so that you can keep it focused. If the other person tries to stray off topic, let them know that you are happy to discuss that next, but right now you want to finish the current conversation.
A - Appear confident
This one is for the anxious people pleasers especially. You might be feeling extremely anxious, and that’s okay! But it’’s important to be mindful of how that might translate into behaviors that undermine your message. Speak in a confident, neutral tone and be direct. Avoid extra qualifiers (maybe, sort of, kind of, etc.) and do not make unnecessary apologies (i.e. “I know this is a lot to ask” or “I’m sorry I’m so ____”). You want to act as if you aren’t anxious, even if you are. Do your best - this one especially will improve with practice.
N - Negotiate
It’s important ahead of time to consider where you are willing to compromise and where you are not. Don’t offer to negotiate right off the bat. Using the example that I’ve been using for instance, perhaps you are okay with the other person saying “I feel accused of something that feels unfair” instead of “you’re too sensitive.” Or maybe you think it’s fair for the other person to ask you to regulate yourself so you aren’t coming across in an ineffective way. You also need to know what you aren't willing to budge on - for instance, being called too sensitive.
What if I feel overwhelmed?
It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. It’s a new skillset, which will take practice and lots of repetition to master. Plus, your anxiety will gradually subside the more you do it, but it doesn’t happen instantaneously. Expect that you will do it imperfectly, but you can learn from each attempt and get better at it and more comfortable with it over time.
In conclusion
You learned to feel anxious about people being upset because, somewhere along the line, your experience taught you that people being upset was unsafe. It will take time to teach your nervous system that you people don’t always get upset and if they do,it’s ok. It doesn’t make your needs any less valid or important and a healthy relationship can sustain these kinds of upsets in a respectful way that doesn’t harm anyone or the relationship. It WILL get easier, I promise.
Start Therapy to Treat Anxiety and Trauma in Los Angeles:
If you are struggling to overcome people pleasing and anxiety in relationships, you are not alone. This is such a common experience for women and it will get easier by practicing healthy communication skills. If you feel like you could use some more support in overcoming anxiety and people pleasing, therapy can be a big help. Start by following these steps:
Reach out for aconsultation at Well Woman Psychology.
Meet with atherapist specializing in trauma, anxiety, and relationships.
Learn how to speak up for yourself without anxiety.
About the Author:
Dr. Linda Baggett is the owner and licensed psychologist behind Well Woman Psychology, a trauma-informed therapy practice specializing in anxious and people pleasing women in California,Colorado, Illinois, New York, and Washington. Dr. Baggett helps women overcome anxiety and relationship challenges so they can have the healthy, happy relationships they deserve with less stress. She also helps clients with body image, relationship issues,pregnancy loss and miscarriage, infertility,perimenopause and menopause,perinatal andpostpartum struggles.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only, is not a substitute for individual medical or mental health advice, and does not constitute a client-therapist relationship.