How to Give Support Without Feeling Resentment
A common complaint I hear from women is feeling resentment in relationships when the support feels out of balance. While people of all genders can and do feel this way, women are more likely to experience this because of how girls are socialized to tune into the needs of others and then give, give, give. The advantage is that this trains us to be very attuned to others and supportive - but when that is out of balance or we are supporting others at our own expense, problems can arise including feeling resentful, unseen, or uncared for.
This becomes even MORE true when you experienced any of the following situations (which are more often put on kids assigned female at birth) growing up:
You played the role of family manager or peacekeeper in your family
You were responsible for emotionally supporting a parent
You were responsible for managing an adult with substance abuse or mental health issues
You were responsible for caring for other adults or children in a major way (i.e. not paid babysitting or looking after someone on occasion)
You were emotionally neglected and attending to others helped you connect with others to get your needs met
When children (including teens and even young adults) take on these roles, therapists call that a parentification or a parentified child. In other words, the child is in the role a parent should be playing and does not get to just be a child focused on learning and growing in a developmentally appropriate way. Kids do not choose to take on these roles- they step into them as a way of coping and surviving (emotionally or physically) what is going on in the home. These roles would not be available if the adults in the home were doing them themselves.
When kids take on these developmentally inappropriate roles, they learn from a young age that they need to be completely focused on the needs of others.
Regardless of their own needs.
Regardless of if it’s hurting them.
Regardless of if the support is one sided.
Regardless of what the other person’s responsibility in the relationship should be (excluding young siblings who didn’t ask for this either!)
Giving one-sided support and not getting your own needs met feels… normal, so it may not necessarily raise the same red flag in the same way it might for someone who was used to reciprocal support and who consistently received the message that their needs matter
When the burnout and resentment build, the relationship starts to feel bad and it can feel like the only way out is to tolerate it or leave the relationship. While there are definitely situations where leaving may be the best choice, the good news is, in most cases, there are steps you can take to shift this balance, even if the other person does not choose to work on this.
These steps can also be used proactively in new relationships to create balance from the start.
Self-assess about why you are bothered
The next time you notice yourself feeling bothered in supporting someone, slow things down and ask yourself why. Is it because you feel the support is not reciprocated? Is it because you are working super hard to give someone ideas and insights and they aren’t taking them? Is it because you are running on fumes and you’re irritable? There are many valid reasons why someone might be bothered, but the solution to this dilemma lies in your answer to this question. Take a moment to mindfully and non-judgmentally observe your feelings.
Listen to resentment
Resentment is an unpleasant emotion to feel, but it serves a purpose - it exists to let us know a boundary has been crossed that we have not voiced or enforced. Read that again… While uncomfortable, resentment (like all feelings) is telling us something about what we need and we miss vital information about what we need when we don’t slow down and listen to that.
Before you offer or agree to do something, ask yourself first - will I feel resentment if I do this? If the answer is yes, that is your body’s way of telling you that you will be doing it at the expense of your own needs. LISTEN TO THAT. It’s powerful. A superpower really, if you can learn to listen to it and act on it. Consider if doing it differently would help or if you need to not do it at all. Only do what won’t create resentment.
This will not only help you tend to your own needs, but also it will improve the relationship - it’s not fair to the other person to resent them for something WE agreed or offered to do.
Offer Less Support
Often the answer is going to be to offer less support, but what does this look like?
The short answer is, it should only be what you can offer 1) without resentment and 2) without compromising your own needs.
This could look like offering to do a task, but to a lesser degree. For example, declining to help someone move, but offering to bring them dinner one night (or send delivery!).
It could also look like offering the same support, but doing it on terms that work for you. For example, agreeing to lend an ear, but only at a time of day that works for you, only for a certain amount of time, or setting boundaries on which subjects you’re willing to listen to them talk about and which ones you aren’t.
It can also look like not working harder than the other person at solving their own problems. For example, saying “wow, that sounds tough” instead of working super hard to lead them to an insight or particular course of action.
If you are a person that feels resentful and frustrated when people complain to you about problems and then don’t take your advice or disagree with your perspectives, this is the tool for you.
If you are a person who feels like a person in your life is using you as a therapist and hardly asking about how you are or supporting you, this is the tool for you.
You cannot work harder at someone else’s problems than them. You cannot want change for them more than they want it themselves. Set a boundary with yourself that you will be kind and validating, but not work harder than they are. You are not their therapist. If you stop working so hard, you will feel less burned out and resentful, and they will have to sit with their own problem and either tolerate it as is or move toward solutions - discomfort is a great motivator - don’t rescue people from it.
Speak up
Depending on the relationship, it could be really effective to speak up. Everyone is stuck in their own little worlds, distracted by their own stuff, and we can all be oblivious at times to what other people are feeling or needing. This can be even more true if we are very different from the other person or if the person (you) is presenting as very put together and never asks for help. Do not assume that others know what you need.
If the other person is generally caring and not emotionally abusive, speak up about what you need. Maybe you are willing to listen to them vent, but need time to talk about your own stuff too and don’t want the relationship to just be about listening to them vent. Or maybe you want them to check in on you as well. Maybe you share that it hurts when they don’t give you airtime or check on you. Or maybe let them know that you are working on not saying yes automatically and trying to reduce people pleasing to be mindful of your own needs. Or share that it’s hard for you to ask what you need, like support or check ins, and you are trying to be better about this because you realize others can’t read your mind.
Best case scenario, they respond with care and compassion. But even if they don’t respond well, you validated your own needs by saying them out loud and practiced an important skill. Not only that, but now you have important information about their willingness to hear feedback and support you, and can proceed accordingly.
Prioritize your own needs
In some situations, it may not be that you need to do less for other people, but that you need to do more for yourself. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Consider what you need to prioritize your own needs as much as you prioritize others - more downtime, more time to rest or move your body, maybe you need to eat first or take care of your own tasks first.
Consider what example you want to set
If you are a parent or have children in your life, considering what example you want to give them can be a powerful motivator. Do you want the kids you love to see you, the adult, dropping everything and neglecting yourself to give to others, especially when it’s lopsided? Or do you want them to see the example of an adult who takes care of themselves and then offers what support is in their capacity, in a balanced, healthy way? Imagine if we had all had this example!
Start Therapy to Help You Improve Your Relationships in Los Angeles:
If you struggle with relationships feeling challenging or not supportive enough, it can be a game changer to get support from a therapist specializing in relationships and trauma. Therapy can help you build the confidence and skills to create the relationships you deserve. Start by following these steps:
Reach out for a consultation at Well Woman Psychology.
Meet with a therapist specializing in relationships and trauma.
Learn how to release what is not serving you and more space to take up more space!
About the Author:
Dr. Linda Baggett is the therapist and CEO of Well Woman Psychology, a private therapy practice dedicated to women and serving clients virtually in California, Colorado, Illinois, New York, and Washington. Dr. Baggett works with women to learn to let go of what is not serving them, be that relationships, patterns, shame, ways of thinking, or internalized oppression, and make more space for values-aligned, joyful, peaceful living. She is trained in many evidence-based trauma treatments, including EMDR and sex therapy. She also works with clients to heal from trauma, relationship issues, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, infertility, perimenopause and menopause, perinatal and postpartum struggles, and body image and size-based oppression.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only, is not a substitute for individual medical or mental health advice, and does not constitute a client-therapist relationship.