What Is The Difference Between Guilt, Shame, And Regret?
TLDR: Guilt, shame, and regret can be difficult to experience. While they are similar in that they are all unpleasant feelings about past choices, they have distinct and important differences. An easy way to think about it is that guilt is “I did bad,” shame is “I am bad,” and regret is “I wish I’d done that differently.”
Raise your hand if you struggle with guilt and shame.
If you are a woman (or a person who has experienced gendered expectations around femininity), you are disproportionately likely to struggle with intense feelings of guilt and shame, and this is multiplied with additional marginalized identities. So much so that guilt and shame just seem baked into the experience of being a woman.
So much of my work with clients is helping them release themselves from guilt and shame and slowly pivot to compassion, confidence, and empowerment. But before they get there, they often struggle with feelings of guilt and shame, especially when:
When saying no to people
When others are upset or disappointed
They make a mistake
They receive feedback or criticism
Someone asks them to do something different
They think back on something they said or did ages ago that they feel embarrassed about
They need something that’s at odds with the needs of others
Remembering past trauma, bad relationships, or relationships that ended
Their bodies don’t conform to the narrow American beauty standards
They have a health challenge
They are trying to balance a career, relationship, and parenting
One of the things that makes guilt and shame challenging to overcome is that they get tangled up with each other. Additionally, women are taught to feel guilt inappropriately.
What is the difference between guilt and shame?
The main difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is about a behavior or choice, whereas shame is about your worth as a person. It’s the difference between “I did wrong/bad” and “I am wrong/bad.”
The feeling of guilt is the way our bodies let us know that we have violated our moral code and motivates us to repair and do things differently going forward in service of strong relationships.
Shame is similar, but taken up a notch. Shame is our body’s way of telling us we have either violated our moral code in an egregious or chronic way that is threatening our ability to remain connected socially. For instance, it’s effective for someone who has inflicted violence on others to feel shame, and it would hopefully motivate them to stop doing that and make some serious changes.
What is inappropriate guilt?
Inappropriate guilt is when we feel guilty about something, but we didn’t actually do anything wrong. For example, when we ask for something and the other person reacts badly. Or how many of you reading this have apologized when someone bumps into you on the sidewalk, even though it’s not your fault? Women have been gaslit into believing that if someone else is not pleased with them, it means they’ve done something wrong. Often, women are directly blamed for things that are not their fault.
What is inappropriate shame?
Similar to inappropriate guilt, inappropriate shame is when you haven’t egregiously or chronically violated your moral code or social norms and have internalized the messages from others that there is something wrong with you. Maybe you did do something wrong - that still doesn’t mean you are a bad person. Everyone does things wrong from time to time - we all hurt others, can be insensitive, make mistakes. It just means you’re human.
Chronic, internalized shame often starts in childhood when a child, who isn’t developmentally capable of understanding why parents are critical, chronically angry, depressed, abusive, or neglectful (and doesn’t have healthy adult supports to help them understand), concludes “it must be me.”
How is regret different from guilt and shame?
Regret is much more neutral and much less judgmental than guilt or shame. It’s “I wish I’d done that differently” or “I wish I’d known better at the time” instead of “I shouldn’t have….” The fact is, if there is a past decision that you feel shame or guilt about, it’s highly likely you made the best decision you could have at the time with the skills and knowledge and support that you had in that moment. Regret makes space for this context and is therefore inherently more compassionate.
One of the things I do to help clients move away from deeply held inappropriate guilt and/or shame is to reframe these feelings as regret and grief. Wishing you had been in a position to do something differently and grieving that you had to go through what you did is much more accurate, healthy, and compassionate than feeling overwhelmed by shame and guilt when you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. Inappropriate guilt, and especially shame, make it harder to trust yourself, meet your needs, and seek support. They are also slippery slopes to depression.
Or sometimes maybe you DID make a mistake or do something wrong - we all have - but the levels of guilt and shame you feel are out of proportion to the error. Here too, reframing as regret and grief can help people move through these emotions and let go of what is no longer serving them.
These are still hard feelings to work through, no doubt about it, but they don’t cut to your worth or value as a person, they don’t interfere with forward momentum nearly as much, and they are just less heavy and more compassionate.
Start Therapy For Guilt and Shame in Los Angeles:
If you struggle with deeply internalized shame that rears its head in vulnerable moments or guilt stops you from taking up space and getting your needs met, you are unfortunately in good company. These feelings can be like a slow drop of poison, holding you back from living your best life and treating yourself with compassion and self-respect. But it doesn’t have to be this way - you can overcome this and build a more compassionate, empowered life. Start by following these steps:
Reach out for a consultation at Well Woman Psychology.
Meet with a therapist specializing in women’s issues like guilt, shame, and anxiety.
Release toxic shame and guilt and start taking up space and knowing your worth.
About the Author:
Dr. Linda Baggett is a licensed psychologist and founder of Well Woman Psychology, a virtual trauma-informed therapy practice supporting anxious and people-pleasing women in California, Colorado, Illinois, New York, and Washington. Dr. Baggett helps women manage anxiety and relationship challenges so they can build the healthy, fulfilling relationships they deserve with less stress. She also works with clients around body image, relationship issues, perimenopause and menopause, perinatal and postpartum challenges, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, and infertility.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only, is not a substitute for individual medical or mental health advice, and does not constitute a client-therapist relationship.