6 Ways to Cope With Shame

Shame is one of the most difficult emotions to cope with, and yet it is something we all feel from time to time. 

But for some people, shame is more than an occasional unpleasant emotion, it is an automatic and poisonous reflex that can really get in the way. It is important that we have healthy ways to cope with shame so that we don’t criticize ourselves unfairly, lash out at others, accept poor treatment from others, avoid letting anyone get too close, or hiding parts of ourselves from our loved ones.

Why Do I Feel Shame? 

My clients know that I am on a never ending quest to get them to move from thinking of emotions as good or bad to thinking of them as information with a purpose. Shame is a natural, normal, and deeply ingrained emotion that exists to inform us that we have harmed others in a significant way and motivates us to hide or withdraw in order to protect the community. This is a healthy and protective emotion (when it’s appropriate- more on that in a minute)- after all, humans are a social species and unchecked harm to a group will make it harder for the group as a whole to survive and thrive. Humans need shame- it is our body’s way of letting us know we have violated the shared moral code and need to make a change so we can continue to be a part of our community. 

HOWEVER… sometimes we feel shame when we have NOT caused significant harm to others. Maybe you made a mistake, but you are really beating yourself up about it, unable to forgive yourself, and feeling like a bad person. Or maybe you were constantly given the message, either directly or indirectly, that things were always your fault and over time, that message stuck. Or maybe you were blamed or blame yourself for trauma or your parent’s emotions. Or maybe someone who should have been loving you gave you the message that you were a bad person repeatedly.

Whatever the specific cause, when we are chronically shamed, especially in childhood, that shaming voice becomes our inner critic and it can be hard to escape from shame. In this case, the shame is inappropriate and is reflective not of significant harm caused to others, but of being incorrectly taught repeatedly and over time that you are bad

What Is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?

Guilt and shame are very similar emotions, yet they are distinct. An easy way to think about the difference between them is shame is “I am wrong/bad,” and guilt is “I did wrong/bad.” Guilt lets us know we made a mistake and need to make a repair to set things right going forward. But shame tells us that who we are as a person is wrong- it says “I’m a bad person.” Ideally, shame is reserved for when our mistakes have veered into significant, persistent harm to others and is a more powerful motivator to make a serious course correction. 

How To Cope With Shame

The following 6 steps are what I recommend to clients working to overcome chronic and inappropriate shame. Like with any emotional problem, we want to think of the problem in terms of duration (how long it lasts), intensity (how strong it feels), and frequency (how often you feel it). If you regularly practice the steps below, you will first notice the duration improves and your shame doesn’t last as long. Then you will notice a reduction of intensity of the feeling. Frequency is usually the last one to improve, but if you diligently practice the below skills, you will find that you start to struggle with shame less often. 

Focus first on shortening duration, then intensity, frequency will follow with repetition and practice. Think about responding as if you were responding to a small child who was inappropriately ashamed. Start this process whenever you notice, it will happen faster and more effectively with more repetition/practice.

1. Notice

Notice when you are having a shame spiral: You can’t change something you can’t see, so the first step is to get good at noticing when you are feeling shame. At first you might not notice it until well AFTER the fact, but with practice you gradually will be able to notice when you are experiencing shame sooner and sooner. Pay attention to what your signs of shame are- where do you feel it in your body? How does it show up in your thoughts? What urges do you have when you feel shame? In general, shame creates an urge to hide somehow (avoidance, isolation, not sharing, not being honest, etc.). Knowing how shame shows up for you will help you notice it. A classic mindfulness exercise to build this skill is Leaves on a Stream, where you imagine your thoughts and feelings as leaves passing by on a stream in front of you without judging them, trying to stop or direct them.

2. Name it to tame it:

It may seem simple, but there is compelling evidence that simply labeling your experience (i.e. “this is shame” or “I’m having a shame spiral”) reduces the intensity of the emotion. It gives you just a little bit of space between you and it, by labeling it as something separate from you. Use whatever language resonates with you.

3. Self-compassion gesture:

Think about how you would respond to a small child you cared about if they were feeling ashamed (in general, this is a great strategy for emotional coping). You’d probably start with some gentle, soothing touch. Maybe a hug, a hand on their heart, or a soft rub of the back. Take a big breath and try one of these gestures or any other you can think of. It may take some experimentation and it may feel weird at first, but with practice it can help you soften, relax, and release shame.

4. Engage in self- soothing:

If you think about emotional intensity on a scale from 1 (no emotion) to 100 (maximum level of emotion possible), once we cross 70, the thinking part of our brains actually goes offline and we are running off of pure instinct, emotion, and adrenaline. These are our survival instincts! This is protective - our brains have evolved this way based on the logic that if emotions are really intense, there must be some bad stuff happening and we just need to survive and get through it. So first things first, we must soothe our nervous systems and get back below 70 in order to bring your thinking brain back online before further problem solving can happen. We soothe ourselves through our five senses - so, what can you look at, listen to, feel, smell, or taste that is calming for you? You might have to do many things over a long period of time if you are really upset. Keep at it until you feel calm again. Here is a list of ideas for self-soothing to get you started. 

5. Reframe:

Reframing is a coping skill where you look for other ways to interpret your thoughts or feelings. Remember, your feelings are ALWAYS valid, but sometimes the reasoning or information they are based on is not, or it’s not based on the full picture. Some questions to ask yourself are: Is there a more appropriate emotion(s)? Is it regret? Is it grief? Is there something/someone else to be angry with instead of berating yourself? Place anger where anger is due. Did you actually do anything wrong? Even if you did, does that make you a bad human? What were the valid barriers leading to your behavior? What does the evidence say? What outside forces contributed to your shame? Are there larger systems that have taught you to feel this way such as ableism, healthism, anti-fat bias, misogyny, dysfunctional families, etc.? Is it possible to have made a mistake and still be a good human? Is it possible to upset or disappoint or hurt someone you love and still be a decent person and still be loved by the other person? The goal here is to take the automatic thoughts and feelings around shame and open them up to considering the full context to see things that you weren’t able to initially and view yourself in a more balanced way.

6. Ask yourself, what does the shame part (likely a young part) need?

What would you do for a small child? Come home to yourself. Consider self-compassion statements, reassurance, gestures, activities, meditations.

Practicing these steps together consistently will help you be able to cope with shame more effectively and reduce shame over time. The more you practice, the more effective they will be. A therapist can help you really get to the root of your shame via EMDR and other therapies, whether that’s body related shame, trauma related, or something you learned in relationships. 

Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only, is not a substitute for individual medical or mental health advice, and does not constitute a client-therapist relationship.

Start Therapy for Shame in Los Angeles: 

It’s no surprise that women struggle with shame so much. There are a thousand different ways we get the message that we (our bodies, our feelings, our needs, etc.) are wrong. Yet this shame can be unlearned and uprooted with the proper support. Overcome toxic shame by following these steps:

• Reach out for a consultation at Well Woman Psychology. 

• Meet with a therapist specializing in women’s experiences of shame.

• Conquer shame and replace it with self-compassion and liberation.

About the Author:

Dr. Linda Baggett is a Licensed Psychologist at Well Woman Psychology, working with clients virtually in California, Colorado, Illinois, New York, and Washington. Dr. Baggett has devoted herself to helping women for over 20 years and specializes in supporting women as they overcome barriers to living their best lives (like shame). Shame is often rooted in trauma and dysfunctional relationships, two areas of specialty for Dr. Baggett. She is trained in many evidence-based trauma treatments, including EMDR. She also works with clients to heal from trauma, relationship issues, sexuality, pregnancy loss and miscarriage, infertility, perinatal and postpartum struggles, perimenopause and menopause and body image and size-based oppression.